Humankind Issues Apology to Community of Life*

The Commission to Explain Why We Did That publishes 10,000-page final report.

(* Not really.)

The prestigious Commission To Explain Why We Did That issued its 9,997-page final report today, after seven decades of meetings and consideration. The report contains an “Apology to the Community of Life,” which is already causing controversy on Twitter.

“We wanted to be a clear as possible that we feel bad about… you know… things,” said Commission Chair Turboid Whitlock, former C.E.O. of Blackheart Holdings, an equity firm. “We’re really, really sorry!”

The apology sparked a hostile response from Humans First, a hominid-supremacy group. “Oh, fuck that!” said the group’s High President for All Matters, Glibbish Fortitude. “Humans have nothing to apologize for. We own the place, you know. Property is property!” (Humans First is on the U.N.’s list of Organizations With Questionable Ideas.)

Humans are sorry for “the havoc, death, pollution, misery, destruction, mayhem, and inconvenience that homo sapiens may have caused by our thoroughly understandable obsession with making things,” the report says. “We wish it hadn’t gone the way it did, but we are just humans doing what humans do, and you can’t expect us to do anything else, can you?”

The Commission determined that humans are responsible for 49% of havoc, 37% of destruction, and 14% of evil. The remaining portions of disaster are due to “circumstances,” according to Commission Chair Whitlock.

“We were in a tough spot,” Whitlock said. “If we hadn’t exploited the Earth, it would have just gone on as it was: just a bunch of animals running around in the forest, on the beach, in the mountains, and so forth. Nothing would have happened! And when nothing happens, we can’t really tell if we exist or not, can we? So you can see that, when it comes right down to it, we had no choice. We’re really sorry, though!”

Humans First president Fortitude rejected the Commission’s conclusions. “Evil does not exist,” he said, “and we’re not responsible for it! Human-haters hate humans!”

In the wake of this report, a new Commision on the Redress of Evil will begin considerations, with a final report planned for the year 2525. The Evil Commission will be funded by Shell, Sky News, and the C.I.A.

“We’re really looking forward to the work of the new group,” said outgoing Commission Chair Whitlock. “We’ll get to the bottom of this — the absolute, very bottom — no matter what. Sorry!”